If Only
by msu
Summary: Complete! Set at the end of Season 5. The night before Buffy is laid to rest, someone comes to say goodbye.


A/N: Set right after season 5 The Gift. First person narrative of the vampire himself. A brief moment of Spike telling Buffy his last goodbye. Yes, something depressing from me. It kinda helps me get through my depressing life at the moment. I don't think I'm going to write anymore angsty stuff. Just too depressing!! See I keep using that "d" word! Enjoy reading it though and let me know how I did.

Disclaimer: Spike doesn't belong to me, though it would be nice. Joss and the wonderful people at ME do.

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The moon is shining through the windows now; it hits me that I've been sitting here for quite sometime. Here in the back of this dark and desolate room for over an hour all alone. I haven't felt like moving from this seat or even looking up. I've basically been staring at the floor or out the nearest window this whole time.

M'not ready to look up yet because I know I will have to look upon her lying there. I know if I do, I'll start blubbering again. I don't care anymore. I let my guard down and cried in front of them, all of them. I couldn't help it. Seeing her lying there broken, gone; I couldn't hold it in. It hurt so much knowing at that moment it was the end of the line for that wonderful, beautiful creature.

I take a chance and slowly lift my eyes. She's still so beautiful and looking very much alive, though she's been cold for two days. Her golden tresses are fanned out over the white silk pillow, her skin creamy and smooth. They put her in black; my favorite color. To see her in it, though, makes me realize I always liked seeing her in anything but black. Bright colors, vibrant colors, were more her style. Vibrant and alive. Alive...but not anymore.

I can feel the tears welling up now. Damn, I knew it would start up again. I avert my gaze to look somewhere else other than at her, fighting back the rising urge to scream out and curse whoever caused this to happen.

The others, her friends, her family have no knowledge that I'm here. They surprisingly wanted to be considerate and have an evening funeral. I told them no, she deserves to be put to rest in the daylight. She belongs in the light, even though she was more familiar of the dark, she was full of good and light. She will always be in the light, always.

So, now I'm here, saying my final goodbye, watching her one more time. I feel very alone, so isolated from the rest of the world. Maybe I **will** go to the funeral after all, watch them bury her somewhere faraway and protected from the sun. When everyone leaves, I'll stand over her grave and take **my** final bow. snort and shaking head slightly Stupid git. What would that accomplish? I wouldn't even be allowed in the same place she has gone to, I know that for certain. A bloody fool, that's what I am. Being the same selfish, self-centered ponce I'm so good at being.

I decide I've got to be strong now. I can't go back on my word. Can't disappoint her, not now, not anymore. I made a promise and I intend to keep it. She's entitled to the one lone request she made of me before everything went so wrong. I will protect her til the end of the world and even then probably thereafter.

Hmph, I didn't even realize that I stood up and am actually walking towards her. I know that wherever she is now, it's somewhere peaceful and happy; somewhere she can finally rest and not have to be the Slayer. I should be happy for her, in a better place than this hell on earth.

I stop short of the casket, feeling my legs turn to rubber, my knees giving out on me and I'm beginning to shake. That's it, I can't hold it in anymore. I can't suppress it any longer. Loud sobs bubble up out of me, my head is spinning and I rush forward, grasping the edge of the coffin, almost knocking it off its pedestal. I shut my eyes tight, try to keep the tears from sliding out. Doesn't work. They actually begin to pour out in great rivulets. I shrug and decide to have it all out. Maybe it's what I need, one final grand yammer.

A minute or so later, I'm staring at her milky white hands clasped one over the other across her chest. The tears have stopped but now I'm sniffling continuously, enough to make me grumble in disgust. I swipe my arm across my face, drying the remaining moisture on the sleeve of my shirt. My eyes will not move up to look at her face, though I sincerely want to. Gripping the coffin edge still, I finally force myself to do so.

I wonder if I will ever feel like this about anyone else again. I feel relieved she knew that I loved her before leaving this world. How deeply I don't believe she really understood. In the short time that I knew her, I can honestly say I loved her more than Dru. But they were two extremely different women, two very different circumstances, and born in two different centuries. Can never compare the one to the other. So much I wish I could've said to her, done for her, showed her. If she only knew how much alike we were; but she went away not knowing anything about me really. Nothing about what I was like before or how I could be, given the chance.

Slowly, I lift my hand and cover hers. So cold even though I really can't tell the difference between myself and her. I've held this hand before, during Willow's spell so long ago. I relish the memories of that time now. Then I was a fool and cursed the witch and her spell. Acted disgusted of the girl who had given and received so many kisses. If only I had savored that time with her more. I lean forward and brush her lips with mine, ever so gently.

"Buffy."

There, I said it. A little weak but I said her name. I **need** to talk to her. Need to seek some type of closure. Need to tell her or it will haunt me the rest of my unliving days.

"I'm so sorry, Buffy. I failed you. He was just...he was there and I thought...he was too fast, too quick. I tried, I really did. If only...if only I was quicker. Could have kept him from cutting her, from opening the portal. Saw what you did to have kept you from having to make that leap. I would have run back up that tower and sacrificed myself if I could have made it before you did jump. Knew you were so much stronger than me, so much more quick. Why couldn't I have done that, Buffy? Why couldn't I? I desperately hope that you can forgive me wherever you are."

A deafening silence pierces my heart. I almost forgot that I've been holding onto the flower all this time. I lift it up to smell its deep, rich fragrance and slip the red rose under her hands.

"And don't you worry about your sis. I'll keep my promise. No worries. I'll even watch out for the others as well. They just won't know that I am. But I'll do it...for you...because I know that's what you did. They'll all be taken care of, Buffy. I'll see to it. Maybe, if I'm lucky, we'll cross paths again. I'll never forget you. Goodbye, luv. Rest now, Buffy, rest."

I turn swiftly and grab my duster off the seat as I exit the funeral home and out into the night. My world. It's different now that she's not in it. My future looks bleak. I need to change that. Have to for her. Gotta be strong for Dawn as well. Can't let either one of them down, never again, ever. I think a little bit of the light has found its way over to me. I'll take it and hope it will grow stronger and brighter in the days, hell, the years ahead. If not for me, for her. Always for her.

The End


End file.
